11 Months

22 Feb

She’s not coming back. At first, I counted her death in days, then weeks, then months—soon it will be years. I marked each turn of the moon with small changes, tears, and disbelief that another month had passed. I observed … Read More »

What’s Worth Remembering

27 Jan

Cousin Chloe, Ana & Emily (ages 7,6 and 3) Emily performed in her eighth grade play yesterday, in the small performing arts center (lovingly dubbed “The PAC”) where I’ve been watching performances for the last 11 years. Ana was six … Read More »

10 Months

22 Jan

It will be ten months tomorrow. Ten months. I remember everything about Ana’s last January. By then we knew she was dying, but we didn’t know how to say goodbye. I wish I could fast forward through the next two … Read More »

If Grief Were A Person…

13 Jan

They’re waiting for me when I wake up every morning, perched in the Yew tree where the feeders hang. I wonder if the neighbors notice their chatter. “Of course they do,” she whisers. “No one likes the birds but you.” … Read More »

Longreads Essay

2 Jan

I wrote this piece over the course of three of four months last year, starting shortly after Ana died. It is, in many ways, my post personal and meaningful of essays (it’s also the longest, at over 5000 words). Thank … Read More »

Nine Months

22 Dec

Today marks nine months since I’ve seen her face. Before Ana died, I never realized how many parallels there are with birth and death. both events are transformative, life changing, life affirming. Yes, even death is life affirming. There is … Read More »

Snow

14 Dec

It’s December and, well, I’m not okay. I start each day with the best of intentions: I will be more productive, I will be present and mindful, I will bring Ana with me into the new day… Oh, but I … Read More »

Modern Loss Essay

4 Dec

This is my first piece in Modern Loss. I wrote it in October (also the last time I saw a hummingbird in the yard). Rereading it reminds me that I’ll have something very special to look forward to in spring. … Read More »